Thoughts on polyamor
I havent been “out” as polyamorous (actually, I prefer non-monogamous) for a very long time. Didnt know there was a word for it until recently, and now Im not sure if its the right label for me. You see, I have a huge problem with the whole “partner(s)” thing and also the way relationships are ranked. We rank our (and others!) relations to other people where married is on the top and acquaintances is on the bottom. I tend** to think of all my relations as equal. I dont think that my relation with John is worth more than my relation with Emma just because Ive lived with John for five years and met Emma half a year ago (Emma and John are not real btw). As mentioned earlier, I also have a problem with the “partner(s)” thing. I dont see why people have to give their relation to someone else a name. Different names = different rights and rules = silly. IMO.
Another thing (oh my, I sure complain alot, dont I? -_-): I dont understand why people say “MY girlfriend” or “MY friend” or “MY husband”. Do they own them? Seriously, do they? I thought owning people was prohibited (I’m not talking about D/s relations now, cause thats something else IMO). Im maybe picky and stuff, but.. YOUR partner? Did you buy them? Or maybe they sold their soul to you and now they are yours for an eternity? Kinda egoistic if you ask me.
I have to admit that its hard to stop saying “my partner (or whatever)”, its hard not to rank relationships and give them names. It is. I’m trying, doing the best I can. You might wanna call me a hypocrite when I talk about partners. its ok, I would too.
This entry was posted on July 11, 2008 at 11:54 am and is filed under Social studies with tags norms, polyamour, relationships, society. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
July 11, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Hmmmm… I think the “my” thing is ok as long as the label you’re applying (“my husband” for example) is one that the person undertook willingly and all that. Like, my husband chose to be my husband, he’s not anyone else’s husband, just mine…so it’s a descriptive word more than anything else?
July 11, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Yeah, but the “my” label feels wrong in poly and ra communities. Like “that person is mine. no matter what. I dont want to share”. I might think like this because of my thoughts on relationships tho
July 12, 2008 at 6:50 am
Hmmm. I’m non-monogamous too (I prefer that term as well). The “my” thing never bothered me because I never saw it as possessive but more like an indicator of a relationship, just like “my mother/father/daughter / brother/etc.” In other words, it’s a simplified way of indicating the nature of a person’s relationship to oneself.
Curious: what do you mean by ra community?
Anyway, I’m not into ranking either, although I do recognise that not all relationships have the same value to me. It’s not so much a quantitative difference as it is a qulaititative one.
July 12, 2008 at 8:02 am
Jacky: Yeah, I agree with you. I dont like “my” (heck, I dont like it when I say “my dog” even), but I shouldnt complain about it cause I dont have a solution or another word thats better. >.>
By RA I mean the relations anarchists.
July 12, 2008 at 3:34 pm
“My” is a genitive pronoun. The genitive is also called possessive, but it doesn’t only imply ownership. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genitive_case
Thus, when someone says “my friend”, it has nothing to do with them owning someone else, but only that the relationship is between {the friend} and {“me”}.
Btw, RA rox
July 12, 2008 at 4:35 pm
OK, never heard of that one. Will have to look that up, sounds interesting.
July 12, 2008 at 4:39 pm
ah, well, I think you can find some info on LJ or Myspace. There’s also a club on facebook.
RA is also known as “unlimited relations”. ^^
July 13, 2008 at 12:41 am
Arla: well, yeah I know.
I guess I can get a little too excited sometimes
haha.
July 17, 2008 at 5:33 am
Japanese people who introduce themselves in their work say things like “I am Mitsubhishi’s Tanaka”, because who they work for is important in context. You might possibly say you are “KIM’s Fredrik”, in Japanese that is
July 28, 2008 at 5:36 am
the “my” point is interesting. i am going to think about it more . . . i usually refer to ‘my partner’ rather than using a name in contexts where i think sexuality isn’t relevant but i think that it might have some impact on the way i’m being treated. but i wonder if there’s another way of doing that . . .